The Life of Konoha
by sharinganrivers
Summary: Warning! Random humor may ensue if you read this fic. You have been warned. But not much. Collaboration crack byakuganwalker and sharinganrivers, Read and Review. Ch2 UP!
1. Chapter 1: Intro

A/N:Comin at you with some hardcore shit! If you have lysdexia and can't read, this is a collaboration between byakuganwalker & sharinganrivers. This time stay the- 

byakuganwalker: Hold up! Who the hell let you on my keyboard you black motherfu-

sharinganrivers: What the hell? Who let you out of prison?

byakuganwalker: I let the warden see my gun on his temple...I mean I got out on bail, good behavior, and uh...overruled decison by court...

sharinganrivers: Really-

byakuganwalker: Fuck that shit! There's a tunnel that runs from here to the set of Mad TV, Aries Spears helped me from there...

sharinganrivers: Really? Because from what I heard you told the guard you were going out for some cigarettes and then you stabbed him.

byakuganwalker: Same shit, anyway, you know why you're here right?

sharinganrivers: To rape Tea from Yu-Gi-Oh, right?

byakuganwalker: No...not today, were here for-

sharinganrivers: Orihime's virginity!

byakuganwalker: At my house fool? Why are you and I here, and the next time you mention something involving seuxal intercourse I'll shit on your PS2! We're here to buy weed cause I'm running low and to write a Naruto fic!

sharinganrivers: Alright then fine. Asshole.

byakuganwalker: What'd you say you motherfu-

sharinganrivers: Nothing. douche bag...

"I'll grab the mic and now I damage you, cut your whole stamin-u Ohh, sssshit, nahh I'll grab the mic and now I damage ya, cut your whole staminuh Here comes the medical examinuh One verse then you out for the count Bring the ammonia make sure he sniffs... the right amount Ya yo, I'm sorry, un-gah-e-gas-e-ya"

Ol' Dirty Bastard, (Brooklyn Zoo II)

I just got some new pajamas. They have pockets in them. Which is good, because before I used to have to hold things as I slept.

---Demitri Martin

The Definition Of Idiocy (a.k.a, jhrev897jmreuyg)  
---

It was an early Saturday morning for Uzumaki Naruto when he was awoken from his wet dream involving Sakura, crayons, ice cream and a picture of Bruce Willis by a loud noise.

A brick flew through his window with great force, causing the young genin to bolt upright out his dream shouting out, "YES! STEP ON ME AGAIN! I LOVE YOUR F-". He recovered himself and spotted the brick on his floor. With a yawn, he got up to look outside whilst thinking 'Huh, that's strange the villagers don't start doing that til' 9:30..." Naruto looked out the shattered remains of his window and saw a familiar head of pink hair outside his apartment.

Normally, no matter how malicious she could be to him, Naruto could forgive almost anything that Sakura did, but that window was brand new and paid for by a tough B-rank mission.

Sakura waved to the furious blonde, "Hey Naruto! Come on down already!...and wake your ass up fool..." she added in a deep, masculine and menacing voice.

Naruto nooded once, dressed quickly and strapped on his gear and made mental note to piss in whatever food Sakura would eat out of their next mission out.

Naruto decided to get some breakfast in before the mission. He got some of his favorite breakfast crreal, 'Ninja 'Os', and some good milk this time and sat down to eat.

As he was eating the British army sent a battering ram throgh his window, destroying eveything. Soldiers came in armed with bazookas, attack dogs, and hot water... Naruto's greatest enemy.

"Where the fuck are the drugs? Where are they?" the soldier screamed as he began shooting an AK-47 everywhere. Then for some reason one of the soldiers ran over to Naruto's lamp and knocked it over for no aparent reason.

"Why the hell would you do that?" Naruto asked.

"Because you touch yourself at night, and there were drugs in there. Cocaine if I'm not mistaken." he said as he took a hit of the Sherman Hemsley.

"But that was where I keep my crayons." the blonde replied sadly.

"Yeah well you should have switched to markers."

He then put a 9 double m to his head. Just then his walkie talkie went off. He picked it up and began talking into it. "Man stop calling me. I'm baggin the coke as fast as I can. I'm getting it right now. What? What!? Hold on. What are you talking about? No fuck that. Hold on man I am on my way." He hung up the walkie talkie turned to everyone and said "Hey! We've got to make a stop real quick."

Everyone pulled out of Naruto's apartment and left him alone. After about five minutes of silence Naruto said "I think I just shit my heart out."

Then Sakura burst through the door.

"April Fools!"

Naruto looked at her sadly, thought for a moment and said to her "Hmm, now let me offer this as a rebuttle." He pulled out a machine gun with a grin and began firing it at Sakura like Haruko.

"Aprils Fools bitchhhhhhhh!!!" said the blonde ninja, carrying on the "H.  
-  
Meanwhile, in anothr part of a village called Konoha, far, far, far, far, far and uh...far away, Hyuga Neji was starting his day.

"Hinata! Where the fuck are my killing tools? It's Saturday, which means..." Neji trailed off, remembering his to-do list.

'Monday I was hangin with that ninja Bob, and that ninja Bob said this, so I killed that ninja, and I broke out. Tuesday I kicked it with Jake Spidermonkey, Wednesday, I helped those immigrants out to sea...or did I kill them?... Thursday I spied on Tenten when she wasn't looking with my motherfucking byakugan shit; man I'm high...Friday I watched Scrubs reruns, and today...'

"Hey, Neji-niisan! Your father called, her said that you have a tree in your ass!" shot back Hinata for being cursed out this early in a.m.

The long-haired Hyuga stared at his cousin in awe before launching to his patented Saturday rant.

"Do-do you-DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM'S? I AM HYUGA NEJI! THAT MEANS IF I MAKE A SANDIWICH IT WILL BE DELICIOUS! YOU KNO WHAT IT DO, AIDS AND SYPHILLIS ALL AROUND, DON'T LOOK AT TENTEN, CAUSE WHEN I DO, GET A WATERFALL IN MY PANTS YOU KNOW!...I SAY DON'T YOU KNOW!"

Elsewhere...

"Hey, how are ya doin'?"

"I'm doing great. I'm just about to take a dip, you want to join me?"

"Sure but let's get undressed first."

"Oh my, it's so cold. I mean look at my breasts. My nipples are so...did you hear something?"

"Yeah. Wait a minute it's coming from over there!"

The women at the hotsprings walked over to a bush where they hered th strange noise coming from.

"What the fuck? Who the hell are you?!"

"Oh, awwww shit they spotted me!" said Jiraiya.

Um, wrong elsewhere...uh...back to...Neji!

Neji thought to himself, "Let's see I pleasured myself this morning, I took out the trash and now it's time to belittle people about their beliefs and various catch phrases. Such as Believe it!, and Cha!, and My name is Neji Hyuga! Wait a minute..."

Meanwhile, completely ignoring Neji's brain damage, we cut to Kakashi and Gai, who were currently engaged in stilted dialogue.

"Well. Gai. What. Stupid contest are we, going to do this time? Rock, Paper, Scissors? Oh, how about another ninja fight? Or how about we have another contest where we eat as many red-hot chili peppers as we can without throwing up or having rotavirus?"

"No. Kakashi. We. Will. Each pick a large muscular/very large man. And pick a fight with him. The last one standing between us wins."

"Douche." Kakashi sighed.

Once again, the scene changed with no real direction, and we see Kiba standing idly against a tree just minding his business, when suddenly...

Nothing happened.

Back at Sasuke's house, Sasuke was just waking up. His clock radio went off playing James Blunt's You're Beautiful.

"You're beautiful. Youre beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true." Sasuke sang half asleep. Then all of a sudden he was jerked awake by a perfect rendition of Naruto's Believe it! song.

"Believe it! Believe it! Believe it! Believe it!"

"ZOMG!" Sasuke screamed. He took his clock and through out the window. He then had to take a 45-minute shower to wash away the filthy guilt of listening to Naruto sing. And sing his Believe it! song at that.

Next it was time to see how Lady Tsunade was going to start her day. We take a close look at her bedroom door. Then the door opens and out steppped an attractive well tanned man in nothing but his boxers.

Lady Tsunade stepped out of the room wearing a robe and had a cigarette in her hand. She tossed the man his clothes and told him "Make sure you wear a condom next time. I don't want to get pregnant here."

"Well maybe you shouldn't have forgotten your birth control pills." the man said

"Yeah well I wouldn't have forgotten them if I wasn't so drunk and decided to sleep with a kid who's barely out of college."

The man left a little disappointed thinking "I knew she was lying when she said she wasn't old" and Tsunade walked back into her room got dressed and walked to her office to start another long boring day of Hokage work.

In the next room you can clearly see Shizune with her hands between her legs while listening to Tsunade and the man she was with having sex. Her room is adorned with various sex toys, vibrators and Canaan Walker thing things strung around the place. As Shizune finished doing various good things to a place that we can't describe because we're on such a low budget, she thought out loud to herself, "If only I could get Lady Tsunade to put _her_ hands between my legs."

When Shizune walked into Tsunade's office Tsunade noticed she looked tired, sweaty, and shameful of herself. But of course so did Tsunade, so she paid no real mind to this.

Tsunade cradled her head in her hand, clearly disoriented.

"ooohhh, my god...I am sooooo fucked up..." she moaned.

"Another hangover Tsunade-sama?"

"Yeah, oh by the way Lockdown Day."

"Ugh, again?" Shizune slapped her forehead in exasperation.

Tsunade sat down at her desk and pulled out a bag full of a green substance and a lighter and said, "That's right, lights out, TV on, appointments canceled, make sure all entrances and exits are sealed, and then get to work on my feet.

"Pedicure or massage?"

"Both, and use the cheese dip vibrator this time."

"From Tijuana?"

"The very same, and then after that, we're going to break the fourth wall by calling the readers dumbasses for not playing Final Fantasy XII."

As Shizune went to do everything Tsunade told her to do, she called to her "Shizune, don't forget to lock all the doors to keep Naruto out. We can't have what happened last time happen again."

"Those poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor animals. Shizune said.

"Don't forget to hang bowls of ramen in various locations around the village to keep Naruto away." Tsunade called after Shizune.

As Shizune walked away she began listing places she needed to place the ramen bowls.

"Let's see now. Sewers, random billboards, porn store, Sakura's house, Sakura's bedroom, Sakura's panty drawer, Sakura."

Meanwhile...

Naruto and Sakura were at the local strip mall looking at the local things around. They came across a t.v. store and stopped to look at everything on the screens.

"He, he, he, he, he, propane." Naruto laughed as he watched the various cartoons in an almost hypnotized manner. But then again he always looked like that when he saw porn. Or breasts. Or a woman in general. Or Sakura. Or food...poor motherfucker.

A/N: Well folks that's it for now. Stay tuned for more hilarity to ensue. :)


	2. Chapter 2: The Shit Stain

**Intro A/N (introducing!): **

**BW (Byakuganwalker): Yeah! You thought just cause we only get one review that we would stop? Well, we back, on your computer, out the gate, and in yo' asshole. Oh yeah, sharinganrivers got an announcement to make.**

**SR (Sharinganrivers): So that's what you're going to do? Just going to give us one review? Like a bitch? Fuck you too. We're not giving up. We're going to keep going with it. So there.**

**BW (Byakuganwalker): Fuckin y'all in the ass baby! Let's go!**

"**I raise the black fist to keep the earth on its axis,**

**I make a good day move slow like molasses**

**Welcome to the beehive as I process it with the G5**

**It's not a tape or disco break I carry live" –The RZA, (Advance Pawns)**

"**I saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that said GUESS" –Demitri Martin**

**Back in Konohagakure Sasuke and Itachi were sitting down to breakfast. Saskue watched the morning news and Itachi was reading his daily newspaper as he usually did when he finished watching The L World. Out of nowhere Sasuke asks Itachi a pretty random question.**

"**Hey Itachi? Where do babies come from?"**

"**Babies?" Itachi said, still reading his newspaper.**

"**Yeah. I mean how did we get here?"**

"**Well Sasuke I'm going to tell you a story. Once upon a time, Mom and Dad fucked and we were the end result."**

"**That's not really the answer I was looking for." said Sasuke**

"**Well let me answer your question with another question. Have you ever lost one of your testicles in a knife fight with Mom?" **

"**No."**

"**Damn, so it's just me."**

**Meanwhile at the Akatsuki lair…**

**All the members of the Akatsuki were gathered in a meeting. Pain stood at a podium in front of everyone. He spoke into a microphone to start the meeting.**

"**Okay everyone first agenda of today: There's a running joke…everywhere of the mouths on Deidara's palms eating everything he holds. Let's laugh at his expense."**

**Right then and there everyone began laughing at Deidara for the next four hours.**

"**(groan)" groaned Deidara. Huh, that was redundant.**

"**Okay folks now that we've finished laughing at Deidara I'd like to say now I can't make it rain. Okay? No matter how much you complain I can't make rain okay? So shut the hell up" announced Pain forcefully.**

"**Wait what do you mean you can't make it rain?" asked Konan**

"**You make it rain everyday in the Hidden Rain Villa--**

**Right their Konan was cut off by a swift punch from Pain.**

"**Just goes to show you I won't hesitate to hit a woman." said Pain.**

"**Okay then folks I would also like to direct everyone's attention to the King of Hell statue. Does anyone notice what's wrong with it?"**

**Everyone stared up at the giant statue. For a while it seemed no one seemed to see what was wrong with it. Then Hidan asked, "It… has a new…hat?"**

"**It has a new hat." Pain muttered quietly to himself.**

"**Well first off, no it doesn't have a new hat! What the hell kind of question is that? What the fuck you talking about man? I don't see a goddamn motherfuckin hat! And secondly for some reason one of the thumbs from the statue is missing. Incidentally it happens to be the thumb I wear my Akatsuki ring. I want to know who did it?! Huh?!"**

**Back in Compton, where Naruto and Sakura were on their S-rank mission, the pair decided to take a tour through the streets.**

"**Wow Sakura, the people around here are so nice!" chided the blonde as he ran back to his pink-haired friend.**

"**What do you mean Naruto?"**

"**Um, this guy across the street taught me that if you say 'Fuck the Bloods' at the top of your voice, they'll give a…drive-by they say it was called…" **

"**Huh, okay, here goes…FUCK THE BLOODS!" Sakura yelled at the top of her voice.**

**A moment's silence…**

**Then, out of nowhere, a 64' Chevy crept on in, windows rolled down, with three hooded and ski-masked figures in it. **

**One of them leaned out of the window, 9mm Glock raised. "Fuck the Bloods right? Fuck you-oh wait, hold up-son stop the fuckin car man!" **

**The vehicle came to a complete stop, and another ski-masked man leaned out, sawn-off shotgun held loosely in his hand.**

"**Yo-it's cool, she got the red on son." He said sounding suspiciously like Mack 10.**

"**Naw, the boy! Get his ass!" yelled the driver, sounding suspiciously like Ice Cube, pointing at Naruto, who was eating ramen from a blue bowl.**

"**Hmm?" Naruto looked up from his bowl, noodles hanging from his mouth. **

**The Westside Connection (all three of them) stepped out of the car, and aimed their various guns (or in Ice Cube's case, a previously tucked AK-47) at Naruto.**

'**Hmmm…what are those shiny things?' he thought.**

**Gunfire rang on through the rest of the day.**

**Meanwhile back at Konohagakure, Orochimaru was making one of his routine visits to the village. While walking through the streets he and Kabuto came across Sasuke walking towards them. Orochimaru became excited when he saw Sasuke coming.**

"**Hello Sasuke." Orochimaru said to the young former rogue ninja. **

"**Enjoying the fact everyone has allowed you to return to the Village?"**

"**Yeah." Sasuke said hesitantly. "Well since you're here I expect that you'll be at the big party in the village?"**

"**Ku, ku, ku…Yes I'll be there and I hope you'll be there as well."**

"**Yeah. Well see ya. Weirdo" said Sasuke walking away**

"**Get your fat ass back here. Your really fat ass." Orochimaru said audibly enough for everyone in the street to hear him.**

**Five hours later, Sasuke spotted his two teammates at the village gates. **

"**Hey guys, how'd it go…the fuck happened to you Naruto?" he added noticing the Sakura was carrying a seriously bandaged-up Naruto in her arms.**

"**I found out that I'm a Blood, and Naruto found out what a drive-by is." laughed Sakura, not noticing the seemingly unconscious blonde nuzzling into her chest.**

'**Mmmm…soft pillow…hold up dunn, I bought that bitch a drink!' Naruto drifted in and out of consciousness.**

**A/N: Well that's chapter 2 of The Life Of Konoha. Please tell us how you liked it. And uh, remember to diversify your bonds y'all, every motherfucker needs em'…yeah so do it!**


End file.
